The world loves a gracious person, and grateful people enjoy better outlooks, wellbeing and relationships. But for many of us, gratitude is a missing practice, or one we may even be avoiding. I believe that aside from the fact that gratefulness is hard to learn in a culture with so much abuse and violence, another big factor is this: gratitude requires vulnerability.
Many of us learn entitlement from caregivers who felt that they owned us, or that we owed them for taking care of us as vulnerable children. We may also have been neglected; all of these resulting in young humans who have not had gratitude modeled for them, offered to them, or who didn’t have much of a reason to be thankful in the first place.
‘Thank you’ was something they heard infrequently or only in manipulative circumstances.
While it’s a well-known step in the healing process, reconnecting with gratitude- especially interpersonally- can feel uncomfortable. In an effort to avoid this, as unhealed people we may isolate, manipulate reciprocity by over-giving, or be most comfortable in situations where we can view ourselves as entitled- even by victimhood- to what others may give.
This is because an unhealed person views themselves as wounded and thus also prioritizes avoiding further wounding; trauma convinces us to navigate the world by focusing on possible threats and making sure to avoid them—and in the process, we become instinctively afraid of vulnerability, even when the risks are low.
There is no substitute for the connection and affirmation gratitude provides.
But in order to truly be grateful for something we have to acknowledge that it was freely given- not obligated, not granted- and thus it was also possible for it not to be. Every time you are truly grateful for something, you acknowledge that if not for the giving, you might be without it. This is especially uncomfortable when we are still in a Trauma-Lack mindset!
To give thanks for receiving something is to admit that it matters to you; that you are better of with than without- which reminds you, subconsciously, of the without! Until we are in a reconnected mindset, the ‘without’ can bring up scary memories that we want to avoid.
It is this shadow of lack we must overcome to reconnect with Gratitude- The more you heal, the easier it is to be grateful, and the more grateful you are, the faster you heal.
What are some ways you can bring more gratitude into your daily practice?
